Putting a Ring on My Crazy: 2/16

Alright Folks, it's time for me to commit to my crazy. 

I've been flirting with my crazy for some time now, but my crazy looks fine to me, and it's time I put a ring on it cause there is no other crazy out there that I want to be with.  I have spent most of my adult life dedicated to a purely sedimentary lifestyle, and I came to push 330lbs., I had a killer DVD and book collection, and I hated myself .  Well, over the last year, I have changed, become active, lost weight, and run some races.  But, I've been holding back, and asking myself questions like, "Greg, what's really going to change if you lose another 40lbs or can run 7 min. miles?  What difference in your life is it going to make?"  While I struggled to find an answer, I let myself get into a funk because I wasn't losing as much weight as I wanted, wasn't meeting my running goals, my exercise classes started to suck, and my feet hurt like a mother.  Waaa Waaa Waaa!

In December, I found myself at a crossroad because the weight was coming back, I slipped from 270 to 280, and I was lying to myself that my races were getting harder because of the courses and not the size of my ass, consoled myself by saying things like, "I may not win my age group, but I sure as hell win my weight class."  Fine, most guy's  the go 6'1" 280 can't run 8 and 9 min. miles.  But, here is the thing, I am not happy being one of the few that can!  If I were, that would be one thing, but I am not.  In fact it pisses me off more that I can because I keep thinking, what would it be like if I wasn't the same weight as an Adult Male Ostrich.  And as for the question that I keep asking myself, here is the answer, "Damn if I know, but there is only one way to find out!"

Over the last month and a half I've been making some efforts to get back to where I was in June and July, but the thing is that I want to go beyond that.  I want to go, truly, stark raving mad on this shit because  . . . I liiiiike it! I want to run my guts out every time that I run.  I want every workout to end with the strong possibility of a stroke some mild vomiting.  I love when a workout or a run leaves me drenched in sweat, dizzy, eye's blood shot, and looking like I might fall over gasping for air.  I don't want to count towards our nations obesity statistics, and I don't want to have to by my clothes at Old Navy because they got my size.

So here is the deal folks, 40 more lbs would bring me down to 240, a weight that I haven't seen since Clinton's first term.  I'll be there before the end of this year, injuries and illness be damned.  So, yesterday, I decided to just let my crazy run wild!

Yesterday's workout was a two-a-day.  I got up around 4am and decided to run to the gym.  I did the 1.63 mile run in 14:31.32 for an 8:54 pace.  The streets were clear, the sky was dark, and the air was cool, and a great time was had by all (and by all I mean . . . me).  I did mile 1 in  9:22.41and the last
.63 in 5:08.93 for an 8:10 pace.

After my run, I went to the 30/30 Spin & Strength class.  I had to cut out 15 minutes of the Strength portion in order to get to work (hey, they pay me, so I feel the obligation).  This was my first Spin Class, and it wasn't bad at all.  I worked up a good sweat.  And, it was good to change up from running all the time.  I would prefer to be out riding my bike, but you know, it is nice not having to worry about some NASCAR fan, out to prove that he's a better driver the Danica Patrick, on his way to work, flying down Western Blvd., and turning Franken-bike and I into a mix matched jigsaw puzzle.  The Strength portion of the class that I stayed for was Push Ups, One Legged Squats, planks, some jump rope hops, etc.  After the class, I jogged to Hiroko's work as a cool down, and picked up the car.

I felt good after my morning workout, but not dead . . . my goal for the day was to feel zombified, so I decided to attend Lisa's evening boot camp after work.  I have never atteneded her boot camp, but it was an awesome workout.  Class started at 6:15, but I got there about 10 minutes early and she had early arrivals start out on the track as they arrived.  We had the choice of walking, Jogging, or Running.  I ran.  We stayed on the track until about six 6:20.  I am no fan of the track at the Y because it is a super small, tight (15 laps = a mile), indoor track and only has room for 2.5 people to go around at a time.  So if there two people walking slowly side by side and chatting, it will cause problems.  However last night, I wanted to run.  And just figured that people will have to learn that the track is not where you go to walks slow and chat . . . hell you can't even hear for all the noise comming of the basketball courts.

Anyway, I was going around the track at a good pace, peope were running in fear for thier lives, when some tall skinny dude just blew past me with no effort, followed by another slightly bigger guy right on his heels, so I thought for a second. . . Do I really want to look like an total asshat and try to keep up with these guys until class starts in about 5mins or do I want to go about my merry way.  Now, I must say that just before going to this class I had been reading This Race Report by the Angry Runner, which may have effected my decision making process, along with the fact that I HATE tall skinny fast guys! So, I  . . . uh . . .chose to go the asshat route and fell in right on their heels.  I was able to stay with them  until it was time to go to class because of the other traffic on the track, otherwise the would have toasted me!  I was winded and sweating buckets by the time class started.

Class was basically the same as her the other classes I have done with Lisa, but with  sprints at the end of class . . . Nice!  So it was do an exercise for 30 seconds, switch to another for 30, run to the end of the gym and back, and repeat the process, then start over with two different exercises and continue.  Yesterday we did push ups, various planks, an assortment of jumps, lunges, squats, bicycles, and flutter kicks to name a few.  The sprints we the best part of the class and even though we did them for only around 5mins.  I was dead by the end: red eyed, sweaty as hell, and taking huge gulps of air in.  When I got home I just fell down on the bedroom floor and laid there with my legs elevated for about 10mins.  My crazy and I just having a happy moment together!  I felt like crap and loved it.

Medical Report & Advice for Myself and Others Part 2: 8/14/10

I went to the MD yesterday, and my feet are mummified in tape.  He basically told me that I have a combination of plantar faciitis and Achilles tendinitis, and taped up my feet to give the tendon in the bottom of my feet some extra support.  He also showed me some exercises and stretches to use which I talk about in another post.  I've been dealing with these problems most of the summer, so I a really looking forward to moving past them, but I wanted to take sometime to share how I am dealing with all of this because injuries can be more mentally taxing than they are physically.  

The mental side of the weight loss / workout battle is much more difficult than the physical.  I've been stuck at my current weight for over two and a half months.  Also, I have been dealing with Achilles injuries for all of the time.  I have had some rough days where I have let my frustrations get to me a little, but for the most part, I have been able to keep my spirits up.  I have talked before on this blog about how I am an annoyingly optimistic person.  And that is true.  I am an optimist for the most part.  I have my bad days and crappy moments, but I just don't see the point in negativity because it doesn't lead anywhere.  I can get upset that my Achilles is messed up, and I can get frustrated that I can't get one stinking ounce below 270 lbs., but it won't change anything or make me feel any better, so I've decided not to go down that road for if I can avoid it. 

Honestly, these things are temporary frustrations, and life is way too short and often brutal to let them get me down.  Frayed Laces  has this great picture and quote on her blog.  It is her running with a quote that says: "There will be a day when you can no longer do this . . . Today is NOT that day!"  I love this idea, and I've thought about it a least once everyday since I saw it.  And, I don't limit the idea to exercise but extend it to life in general.  One day this frail existence that I call my own dear life will come to an end.  Fact.  So, I should do my utmost to enjoy it as much as I can.  Therefore I've decided that I need to Love this fight! Love the work, the struggle, the small rewards, the crap days, the shitty advice I give myself and others, the morning runs, time with my wife, the injuries, laying out my workout clothes, getting up at 5am, and I even need to love my Achilles pain!  If I Love every bit of this stuff, and I will come to love myself because it is all me. I am the one doing it. No one is doing it for me or to me!  No one is standing in my way. This is my life and how I choose to live it, so I need to love it and enjoy it!  Because one day I won't be able to do any of this . . . but today is sure as hell not that day.  It may be hard for some to understand that I love my Achilles injury, but I do.  Granted, I will be glad when it is healed and won't miss it one bit when it is gone, but I love Achilles injury because it is here challenging me, making me mentally stronger, testing my commitment to myself.  I'll be stronger, smarter, and more appreciative once it is healed, so in reality.  It is a blessing.  A gift.  My Achilles injury, frustrating as it may be is here to help me, so I am going to love it.  I know . . . that you think that I am high, but I'm not!  It is just that the alternative line of thought is nothing more that a treadmill to nowhere.  

Thursday Plycore: 8/9 Why I Have to Go to This Class!

Of all of the Classes at the Y, Dan's Thursday Plycore is the class that I hate to miss the most.  This was the first morning class that I attended, so it is the class that means the most to me.  My life changed with this class, and I hate to miss it or sit it out.  I know that some people might think the I am overstating things when I say that that one exercise class changed my life, but I wanted desperately to change the way I lived for my entire adult life, but I could never find the fortitude to change until that morning.  The class kicked my ass!!!  Seriously, I am sure that the people in the class feared that I would pass out and die right there in the middle of class.  I could even do half of the exercises that they were doing, and my only real goal was to not give up.  I'll be honest, about twenty minutes into class, I thought that these people are effing insane and I'll never be able to do this class, so I should just go home!  The exercises were difficult, but what was more difficult was fighting though the thoughts in my head.  I kept think that this was a huge mistake -- these people are wearing shirts from marathon's that they have run, and I can't even do ten push ups!  Thoughts like this just streamed through my head, but the clock kept moving and so did I.  When the class was over, I had done less than half of what everyone else had done, sweat twice as much, and smelled worse than everyone combined.  I doubt that any other the class members ever thought that they would see me again, but I knew that I would see them.  My wife took this picture as when I got home.  

That shirt is completely soaked in sweat, but if you notice , I am smiling! 

I guess that somewhere in my mind attending Thursday morning Plycore has come to mean that I haven't given up.  That I am still hanging in there, struggling to make all the changes that I desperately want to make.  So, on Wednesday night, I decided that I would return to Plycore Thursday morning. That night I set out all of my stuff, set my alarms for 4am, and went to bed at around 10pm. I had no problem getting up -- I actually woke up about 5 minutes before my first alarm.  I left my apartment, and when I walked through the doors to class was greeted by Dan and several of the class members, who asked how I was and said that they were wondering why I hadn't been in class.  It felt really good to be back.

However, I had to be realistic because they are primarily running stairs in the class, and there is really nothing that could be worse for my legs than stairs, and running stairs for thirty minutes straight would be beyond stupid of me.  I really do miss taking part in the morning classes.  Even though I almost always keep my I-pod on and don't talk that much I really enjoy being part of the group, which has made these solo workout all the more difficult. So I asked Dan How long he thought that they would be running stairs and he said about thirty minutes, so I told him I would Run 5 kilometers out side and join the class for the last 15 minutes of their workout, which I did.  It felt great to be back because without Plycore, my wife wouldn't have taken this picture of me getting my medal at my first 5K!

 

Umstead Labor Day -- Three Naps and Four Miles of Spider Webs: 8/4 & 8/6

On both Saturday and Monday, I ran the same trail that I've been running: the Loop of the Company Mill Trail.  Saturday's run was good, but not as great as last week.  By the time I got the the beginning of the loop I was chomping at the bit to run.  I could tell right away that my pace was too fast, and that I would be forced to back down at some point, but I just couldn't hold myself back.  It felt as if I were really monstering it until I hit the utility road.  I got there much quicker than I had anticipated.  I reeled it in a bit after I crossed the road and was still doing well on at about the two miles, but then I hit the up hill portion of the trail leading back to the utility road, and I felt every mile that I had run that week smack dab in the middle of my quads.  My pace slowed a great deal during the up hill, and by the time I crossed the utility road again, I was grunting it out.  Luckily, I was able to recover some energy during a couple of tricky down hill spots and was able to finish off the last bit respectably. 

After the run I was wiped out.  My wife and I were going to the NC State game that night and had some errands before hand.  I took a nap after I got home from the run, another nap after we got home from our errands, and another one after the game and before dinner.  I was just beat.  Sunday, I just stayed home watched movies and read running blogs. 

Monday's run was much better but had it's own issues.  And by issues I mean 4 miles of spider webs.  I got to the park just after 7am, even though the hours are from 8am to 8pm the gate has been open when I've gotten their at that 7 on Saturday's.  I guess that since it was a holiday they were waiting until 8am or were too short staffed to open the all of the gates early.  There were already at least eight cars parked outside of the gate, and almost all of them had some sort of triathalon or Marathon related bumper stickers!  Love it!  So I pulled in right behind the last car, and I made my way to my trail.  I figured that surely someone had already gone down the trail before me.  But, alas, I was mistaken!  The only thing that had been down that trail were raccoons and snakes, and their tracks were fresh!  Also, all of the spider webs were in tact.  I know because I cleared the entire first mile of the lead trail, and then nearly the entire loop.  I didn't see another person until just after I crossed over the utility road for the second time, which adds up to about 4 miles of spider webs.  By the end of it my hair was in absolutely no need of any gel!  Overall this run was much better.  My legs felt fresh, and I paced myself better at the beginning of the run (because I was looking out for snakes on the trail).  I was still running strong as I completed the loop, which only took me 45mins.  It was really a great run!

However, I am coming down from a major running high -- I can feel it. Can you say Junkie boys and girls? Although my goals are still weight loss centered, I can tell that there has been a major shift in my focus. I still like when the scale is kind to my, but it feels so much better when the clock is kind. The scale is a fickle mistress, who loves to screw with your mind, but the clock is the super sexy, above playing games, and speaks with direct mathematical honesty. It's refreshing! I have had the feeling for a while that I needed some sort of competitive direction for my training. Weight loss just for the sake of weight loss is a wonderful thing, but I think that it is difficult to sustain. It is easy to get frustrated because your goals are not being achieved, and just as easy to lose focus once your goal has been reached, so I've thought for sometime that I needed a sport or hobby to focus my activities. Also, I've always felt like I missed out on something because I didn't take part in any real competitive sports in school. I wasn't on any of the teams in High School (unless you count chess . . . yes . . . I was on the chess team!), nor did I do anything competitively in college -- not even on the intramural level -- which I have always regretted.  I played sports until around Jr. High, but I quit mainly because I was playing football and baseball, which I loved but wasn't really any good at. I lacked the concentration and aggression needed for football, and I just sucked at baseball. And even though the idea of Cross Country always appealed to me, I thought that I was too big to run and honestly was too scared to try. Also, because of my size, there was always pressure to play football anytime the topic of sports came up, so I avoided the topic in general.

Now, I find myself on the back end of my 30's, and I am filled with this overwhelming desire to both run and compete. I have no delusions of ever being anything more than average runner, and I know that I still need to lose around 50 pounds. But, I can't get running out of my head, I am talking about it all the time, I have a Garmin 205 in my cart on Amazon and have told my wife not to even think about getting me anything else for Christmas, I am truly obsessed. My Achilles has been injured for around two months.  And it made me crazy to stop running. It is getting better (I think), but I know that it would heal quicker if I took some more time off, but that is just not an option. I already have my next two races planned out, but I can't help looking for more. The achilles are really improving, and I think that if start to strengthen the muscles around them that they will get better. The morning stiffness and pain is nearly gone, and I hardly have any problems throughout the day, but it still is not to the point where it feels 100%. I am frustrated a by it and really tired thinking how my achilles are doing. I know that the people around me are tired of hearing me talk about it!

Last week people kept asking me if I had any plans for Labor Day weekend , and I would get all excited and tell them how I was going to go running in Umstead Park on both Saturday and Monday!!! They would just stare back at me like I was a Fucking idiot an idiot because of course for them "plans" meant trips to the beach or the mountains -- Not running in a park 10 mins from my apartment. But, truly that is all that I can think about these days. I've been reading running blogs like other guys read porn ( I'll give you links later). Currently, my wife is humoring me -- meaning she listens to me talk about running until it is too much and then just goes into English off mode, which is easy for her since English isn't here native tongue. She just flips a switch in here mind and filters out anything that isn't Japanese -- and then the smile and nod fest begins, but the worst part is that I am so desperate to talk to someone about running that . . . it works for me!!  But, I am not sure how much longer it will work for her!?!  So, I need to find another outlet for all of this quickly!

Blog Links:

Fitness Junky
The Boring Runner (He's not)
Frayed Laces

July 1st -- Advice for Others and Myself

Well six months of 2010 are down!!  I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.  Truthfully I thought that the scale would read a lot lower than it does at the moment.  Currently, I a fluctuating between 270 and 275, which is between 46 to 41 pounds lost. In January, I had hoped that I would be passed the 50 pound mark by now.  However, I am currently very happy with my progress.  And I thought that this would be a good time to share my thoughts because I know some people who are fighting this fight along with me and might benefit from me sharing a bit more than the details of my workout.  Also, I know that I need to stop and listen to myself from time to time.  Today I was reading The Fat Man's 180 Day Experiment   and Scott was talking about his injury and feeling discouraged today,and even though I am sure he didn't really need my advice I decided to offer some and as I wrote I just felt like I was talking to myself as much as I was Scott, so I decided to make this post.

 Today I am Sporting the Ankle brace. My Achilles is giving me problems, and it is getting to the point where I may need to shut things down if it doesn't improve over the next week or so. I have had so many tweaks, pulls, and strains over the last 8 months -- it is all part of the journey  Just remember that it will pass and you will be mentally stronger for having gotten past it.   Here are some of the injuries I have encountered along the way:

Strained Hip Flexor

Strained Rotator Cuff

Sprained Middle Finger

Groin Pull

Wisdom Tooth Removal

Strained Neck & Shoulder Blade

Knee and Hamstring Pulls

I am making this list for two reasons.  1) I have gotten past each one of these injuries.  You have to expect injuries when you are over weight, out of shape, and begin a lifestyle change.  The injuries are going to come, but you will move past them. They are part of the process.  In fact they are a pretty good indication that you are getting your body out of it's comfort level and it is resisting.  Of course, you should do everything you can to prevent injuries, but you must push yourself and expect injuries to occur.  2) This process is more about reshaping you mind than it is about reshaping your body.  You have turned the corner when you realize that it is not the external changes that matter but the internal changes.  I had the physical strength to do 50 pushups long before I had the mental strength to do it. 

I know that it is really hard not to focus so much on the scale, but the day to day fluctuations are maddening. Honestly, the scale is a really poor indicator of your effort.  Yes, I want to see the number on the scale get smaller, but I am much more interested in being able to run 5 miles. I won't care what weight I am at when I do that for the first time. I won't care if I am 270 or 265; I'll be happy that I was able to push myself to do it.  We are so focused on the scale that we lose sight of the fact that it is only a number. It is the effort and work that matters. One person's 260 is not the same as another person's.  What is important is how you feel about yourself, and no number is really going to feel as good as the satisfaction that you get from pushing yourself farther than you thought possible.  

It is better to trust your eyes when you look in the mirror than the numbers on the scale.  Take time to stare at yourself in the mirror.  Look at your cheekbones, you shoulder blades, stare deeply into you own eyes, it is not vanity.  It is getting reacquainted with the person that you have wanted always wanted to be.  I can always tell that I am doing good work by the weight I have lost in my face. I'll often wait a few days to shave because the weight loss is really apparent when I shave. And after I have taken notice of that, that is when I will look myself in the eyes and try to assess the more important internal changes.  At the beginning of this post, I said that I thought that scale would be reading a much lower number by now.   But, I am really much more happy with where I am than I could have imagined.  I have put in a lot of hard work and my body has changed a lot, but what makes me most happy is the mental strength and inner peace that I am discovering.  I always thought that I was dissatisfied with my physical appearance and that was why I was unhappy, but I was really dissatisfied with the internal aspects of myself that let me get to where I was physically. 

Run of the Pink Balloon: 5/1

Saturday I chose to run to the gym for the first time in nearly a year. The last time I ran to the gym was last summer, and I was pretty foolish about it. I got over excited about being able to run outside and ran to the gym three consecutive days. By the third day me knees were stiff and popping anytime I climbed stairs, and they were so sore after workouts that I had to alter my workouts to reduce the stress on them. Now, I am considerably lighter, stronger, and wiser, so I felt pretty good about the idea of running outside. Also, I had done a lot of research about footwear since my last run outside, and I have invested in a pretty good pair Asics 2150's, which got the Editors Choice Award from Runner's World, so I had a good feeling about moving towards running outside. But, I was still on edge a little because my rotator cuff had just started to heal up. I was still worried about it, and the last thing I needed was another injury. But, I really wanted to run outside.

I am not sure why this is, but whenever I see people running outside, I always feel envious of them. My guess is that I was in such bad shape for so long that I started to idealize the people that I saw running through neighborhoods, along trails, and in parks. I desperately wished that I could do the same thing. I always imagine that they run every day for endless hours on end, just pounding out the miles with hardly any effort. Now, I know that is in no way so, but when you are deeply dissatisfied with yourself, it is really easy to let your mind wander to extremes. When I am driving along, I always notice the people that I see running. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to get mad at me because she thought that I was just checking out some girl. She didn't get it, and I never tried to explain that there was something more to it than me just ogling girls in a sports bra . . . Really . . . I've felt this deep seeded dissatisfaction with myself for so long because I truly want to be the type of person who can be physically active, to compete, to push myself.

I see that I am close to being the type of person who can run, push themselves, and enjoy the physical aspects of life. However, what honestly worries me is that I've waited too long and done too much damage to my body to truly do all of the things that I have wanted to do for so long, and I can't forgive myself for waiting this long. I am glad that I am doing this now, without a doubt, but every day I write down on the colander what I did that day there creeps in a small voice of regret asking me: why? Why did you wait so long? And sadly, I don't have any answers that aren't bullshit other than: I didn't want to put in the work that I knew was need . . . I was lazy, and I let life slide past me and embrace excuses.

On Saturday, despite last year’s mistake, my injured shoulder, and the prospect of feeling every step in my jaw because of the wisdom tooth that had been removed less than two weeks ago, I decided to run to the gym. I got my I-pod and stretched outside of my apartment and thought about the route that I would take to the gym. I have mapped it out on  USATF   and knew that it would be 4.06 miles round trip. I planned on stopping at the gym and doing some abs before running the return. Also I decided that if I something went wrong that I would just walk to my wife’s work, which is near the gym and drive home.

The run start out nicely. I began with a slow jog for the first few blocks, which were uphill, but as the ground began to level out my pace began to pickup. My jaw felt alright with just a bit of throbbing from the vibrations of my stride. I crossed several streets, ran down my first little hill, and past people watering their lawns and playing with their kids, and I felt strong, my legs were stable and I wasn't gasping for air . . . I was enjoying myself. I was still worried about my arm, but it everything was fine. As I approached  The Raleigh Rose Garden at The Raleigh Little Theater, I noticed that someone had put out some helium balloons. I thought maybe there was a going to be a birthday party or a wedding in the Garden but when I looked down the hillside I couldn't tell. But as I rounded the corner to go around the back of the garden, I saw to girls and a guy tying balloons to the fence. They were in their teens and seemed to be having a good time. As I ran past them the guy held out his hand and offered me a pink balloon as a joke. I don't think that he thought I would take it and at first nearly ignored him, but for some reason, I just thought why not, so without stopping, slowing down, or looking back, I took it and saying only "thanks." At first I thought about just letting it go and watching it fly off, but instead I decided to keep it. I tied it to my right wrist, which was the arm that was hurt. By this time, I was back on the main street and there were lots of cars, so I thought the balloon would help people notice me when I crossed the street. At first I was really conscious of what people might be thinking as I ran by with this pink balloon tied to my wrist. I wondered if they thought that it was for breast cancer awareness of if I had just had a daughter, and I began to notice people in car giving strange looks as they drove past me, but as I continued to run those thoughts passed away as I became increasingly concerned for the safety of the balloon. I did want it to slip away or get popped by low hanging pine needles or some rose bush that was growing over a fence. And as the gym got closer, I realized that my arm felt good. It seemed like the balloon was helping to hold it up, my pace had gotten stronger, and I wasn't worried about my knees. Instead, I was thinking about what I should do with my balloon while I worked out. When I got to the Y I asked if I could leave the balloon at the fitness desk while I worked out.

I did some crunches and fire hydrants -- nothing much -- just enough to justify the stop at the gym. The pink balloon was waiting for me when I finished, and I again tied it to my wrist while I jogged home. The jog home was pretty easy. And, I did notice some people looking at me, but I just turned on Explosions in the Sky and it all seemed to melt away. It was such a peaceful run. When I got home, I went inside and got a camera and took a picture of the pink balloon tied to my shoe. Then I did some stretching and iced my knees. It just was a wonderful feeling to have completed this run. However, I plan to take baby steps with my running because I know that it could all go very wrong quickly if I get careless.

Workout High Evaporation

Hmm . . . I am wondering there is a mathematical equation that calculates the evaporation rate of a workout high. I mean, really, there has to be! Especially, when you consider the number of people who have devoted time to the study of Esperanto and that some douche scientist actually came up with the formula for happiness: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/2630869.stm. Well maybe that is not a good idea when you consider that the douche scientist, who came up with it looked like this:

 I am not saying that the guy looks like a complete tool, but he's not Brad Pitt now is he? He just looks like the type of guy that might be trying to figure out Happiness rather than just being . . . ummm . . . Happy. What is really sad about this is that now that I see this shitbag dude, I can't help thinking that the nimrod looks a bit like moi, and I should actually be posting a picture of the to of us with our arms around each other with stupid grins with the caption: Voici moi avec ma petit frère!!! Because I am sitting her bummed now that my workout high is gone, and I saw my rather rotund ass in my pajamas. Anyway, I know that I sound like a 17 year old girl, but oh well! Sometimes it is just difficult to face the fact that there will not be a quick way to get where I want to be. I may have done a great job with this morning’s workout, but it is not going to miracle my Hubba Bubba stomach into a set of washboard abs.  I also know that being "Happy" is not a math problem.  I am not looking for weight loss to make me happy.  I am pretty happy for the most part.  I am trying to do this because this is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, and I have found that I really do love workingout and exercise.  Math can't keep my mind right and neither can working-out (even if the number of reps passes 900).  Your mind only stays right through a combination of will, effort, and chance.  At least that is how things seems to be working these days in Locker 29! 

Why am I writing this?

Well, I have been working out for some months now, and I am doing pretty well. But, my noodle has been my biggest adversary thus far. I talk about working out way too much, I obsess over tiny changes in my body, I talk about my workouts in great detail to people who I can tell tuned out before I even started speaking, I am pretty sure that I am driving my wife crazy, pissing off my friends and co-workers, and . . . you gueesed it . . . I am still fraught with self-doubt. Now, I am not doing all of this because I am some vain egomaniac. Really, I'm not! I swear. Promise. I am just struggling to keep my head screwed on straight and stick with something that I so desperately want to stick with. So, sometime back I thought that I should start posting about my experiences on Facebook in order to get out some of minds messiness. But I am sure that I am just annoying a bunch of people that I haven't spoke to since high school, confirming that I am still a mess to the people that I haven't spoken to since college, and letting my co-workers see a side of me that I think is best kept under tight wraps.

So, I figured that I would write this blog and launch all my crazy ass thoughts into the vast void of cyber space and not have to worry about my shrinking Facebook friend count or the number of characters in my stinking wall post.

Also, I hope that by writing this blog that I can keep up my current level of motivation, which is through the roof!