July 1st -- Advice for Others and Myself

Well six months of 2010 are down!!  I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.  Truthfully I thought that the scale would read a lot lower than it does at the moment.  Currently, I a fluctuating between 270 and 275, which is between 46 to 41 pounds lost. In January, I had hoped that I would be passed the 50 pound mark by now.  However, I am currently very happy with my progress.  And I thought that this would be a good time to share my thoughts because I know some people who are fighting this fight along with me and might benefit from me sharing a bit more than the details of my workout.  Also, I know that I need to stop and listen to myself from time to time.  Today I was reading The Fat Man's 180 Day Experiment   and Scott was talking about his injury and feeling discouraged today,and even though I am sure he didn't really need my advice I decided to offer some and as I wrote I just felt like I was talking to myself as much as I was Scott, so I decided to make this post.

 Today I am Sporting the Ankle brace. My Achilles is giving me problems, and it is getting to the point where I may need to shut things down if it doesn't improve over the next week or so. I have had so many tweaks, pulls, and strains over the last 8 months -- it is all part of the journey  Just remember that it will pass and you will be mentally stronger for having gotten past it.   Here are some of the injuries I have encountered along the way:

Strained Hip Flexor

Strained Rotator Cuff

Sprained Middle Finger

Groin Pull

Wisdom Tooth Removal

Strained Neck & Shoulder Blade

Knee and Hamstring Pulls

I am making this list for two reasons.  1) I have gotten past each one of these injuries.  You have to expect injuries when you are over weight, out of shape, and begin a lifestyle change.  The injuries are going to come, but you will move past them. They are part of the process.  In fact they are a pretty good indication that you are getting your body out of it's comfort level and it is resisting.  Of course, you should do everything you can to prevent injuries, but you must push yourself and expect injuries to occur.  2) This process is more about reshaping you mind than it is about reshaping your body.  You have turned the corner when you realize that it is not the external changes that matter but the internal changes.  I had the physical strength to do 50 pushups long before I had the mental strength to do it. 

I know that it is really hard not to focus so much on the scale, but the day to day fluctuations are maddening. Honestly, the scale is a really poor indicator of your effort.  Yes, I want to see the number on the scale get smaller, but I am much more interested in being able to run 5 miles. I won't care what weight I am at when I do that for the first time. I won't care if I am 270 or 265; I'll be happy that I was able to push myself to do it.  We are so focused on the scale that we lose sight of the fact that it is only a number. It is the effort and work that matters. One person's 260 is not the same as another person's.  What is important is how you feel about yourself, and no number is really going to feel as good as the satisfaction that you get from pushing yourself farther than you thought possible.  

It is better to trust your eyes when you look in the mirror than the numbers on the scale.  Take time to stare at yourself in the mirror.  Look at your cheekbones, you shoulder blades, stare deeply into you own eyes, it is not vanity.  It is getting reacquainted with the person that you have wanted always wanted to be.  I can always tell that I am doing good work by the weight I have lost in my face. I'll often wait a few days to shave because the weight loss is really apparent when I shave. And after I have taken notice of that, that is when I will look myself in the eyes and try to assess the more important internal changes.  At the beginning of this post, I said that I thought that scale would be reading a much lower number by now.   But, I am really much more happy with where I am than I could have imagined.  I have put in a lot of hard work and my body has changed a lot, but what makes me most happy is the mental strength and inner peace that I am discovering.  I always thought that I was dissatisfied with my physical appearance and that was why I was unhappy, but I was really dissatisfied with the internal aspects of myself that let me get to where I was physically. 

Weds. Two-a-Day: 4/21 Sports Conditioning, Jump Rope Class, Why I Do What I Do

Weds. morning's sports conditioning class was a struggle. My first class back after the wisdom tooth. I didn't feel good about it at all. But that afternoon, I got an opportunity to go to a Jump Rope Class that I have been wanting to attend for a while now. it is held during my work, so it is hard for me to fit this into my schedule. I have been skipping rope almost daily for several months now, so I was pretty excited about the class. Also, my wife said that she would attend as well. Now, we have been married nearly five years and we dated for a year and a half before that, but in that time, I have not seen her touch a jump rope--let alone use one. For a few weeks now, she has been talking about how good she is with a jump rope. She even started talking a little smack. Now, I had some doubts about just how good she would be, but my wife is much more of a natural athlete than I am, so I didn't think that it would be out of the realm of possibility that she would be ok with it. However, she wasn't just good . . . she rocked! She was able to do a lot of steps that I still struggle with, cross her arms, and in the half hour class I only saw her trip twice! She never fails to amaze me in both small a large ways. The class was really fun. It lasted 30 mins. about 20 mins of skipping and 10 min. of abs.

Even though my wife does not join me in my workouts that often, she really aids me in my attempt to reshape my life. She has supported and encouraged me through a lot of frustrating days. And, I know that she understands that this project is not just a vain attempt to get to lose weight just to look better or just to be healthier. It is an attempt to change the direction of my life. In all honesty, I have been rather dissatisfied with my path for some time now. I am not sure when or why, but at some point over the last ten years, I really lost my way. I stopped taking what I want from life and just accepted the things that were easy. Even going to Japan, as difficult as it may seem, was really my way of escaping a bad relationship and miserable grad school experience. The only thing that I feel I have handled well is my marriage, most of the other aspects of my life have just seemed to oscillate between pointlessness and frustration, but I know that I can right the ship. I know I can but I need to build my confidence, and I need to take charge of myself physically and mentally. And that is what this is all about, my weight has been the longest running and deepest source of disappointment in my life, and I want to take it on because I know that to get the outcome that I want I will need to change so many other aspects of my life that I am sure that I will be more internally transformed than I will be externally. I need to go through this process, and I don't want it to be easy or fast. I want this to be difficult, trying, and something that will present me with every opportunity to quit or take the easy road. I need to stare down these challenges, face injury, pain, and fatigue, and overcome disappointments and failures. The alternative is that I just let life have its way with me, and I quietly hate myself more and more with each passing day until I can enjoy this life that I am privilege to have.

Yesterday was April 28th:

I weighed in at 277.2
Prior to my Wisdom Tooth, I was at 275.2
My starting weight, when stated working out: 316
Weight when I started this Blog: between 285 and 282

02/06/10 Where I Stand

The scale is fickle foe. Some days it seems to love you and on others it just wants to rip your heart out for sheer sport. I try not to obsess over it, but show me someone who is trying to lose weight and says that they don't care what the scale says, and I'll show you a liar. I weighed myself several times throughout the week, but I only count what it says each Saturday or Sunday. Yesterday, I weighed in at 281.5, which is .7lbs less than the last official weigh in I did. Not too bad. I know that I am in the midst of a weight loss plateau as far as pounds are concerned. My body is still changing for the positive, but I am not seeing the effects on the scale as much as I would like. From mid Dec. to early Jan, I had been shedding pounds like mad and got down to 278.6, but then went back up to 282.2 within a week. I am sure that this is due to a shift from fat loss to muscle gain within my body. I have tried to get use to these shifts and see them a normal.


Luckily this plateau has been accompanied by some positive developments. I had to move to a smaller belt, and I can now wear a pair of jeans that I could not get into two months ago and now the jeans are loose. Also the smaller belt is one I have had but couldn't use because it was two tight even on the first notch. When I tried it on this time I was able to bypass the first notch and almost use the third. So, I am happily using the second notch. So, this is where I stand. Not thrilled by the lack of progress on the scales, but happy with the way my body is changing.

Truths: Sad & Happy

Let me just get some things out of the way here right off.

--I am 36. And being 36 sucks because 40 is eyeballing me and seems to be spoiling for a fight.

--I am 6'1" 1/3. But if you ask me how tall I am, I will tell you that I am 6'3". -G-, how tall are you? I am 6'3"!

--I have been working out on a consistent basis since May. I had to have my wisdom teeth remove and after that I really got serious about going to the gym. Before that, I was pretty hit and miss. I just did enough to fool myself into thinking that I was trying.

--I didn't start exercising in an effective manner until mid-Sept. Before that, I worked out on my own and did the same exercises over and over. At first I lost some weight and felt better, but I bottomed out and started getting at lot of fatigue injuries. Nothing serious just pulls and strains that make an already difficult task, downright loathsome.

--Things changed for me when I saw a bulletin board in my why about a member who had lost 86lbs. He had started going to the early bird fitness classes that start between 5:30am & 6:00am M-F. I started going to these classes too. (I'll write more about this later).

--I've been down this road before. I moved to Japan in 2003 and lived there for 3 years. In that time, I lost 50 lbs. I went to the gym a lot my 2nd & 3rd years in Japan, but I lost most of my weight during the 1st. I ate less and better, walked or rode a bicycle nearly everywhere, and vomited a good deal on the weekend due to a group of friends that would meet up in Tokyo on the weekend and pound beers all night until the trains stared running in the morning and mercifully carry our sorry selves back to our towns. It was hard on the old liver, but guaranteed a weekend of light meals (especially for a guy who earned the nickname "Puck Skywalker") Yes I vomited atop Mt. Fuji, Japan's most sacred Mountain, and all over a Korean airliner) but at least I did get any on the Prime Minister http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnOnDatqENo When I returned from Japan, my eating habits fell apart, I drove everywhere, stopped going to the gym, and I Ba-LOON-ed, and gained back 36lbs!

So, where am I now? I am doing well. I've lost those 36lbs again, but it has me scared because I know just how easy it would be to let it go and put it all right back on.

Here are the most Sad & Happy truths:

In 2003, I weighed 330 when I left for Japan.
In 2006, I weighed 282 when I returned to America.
In 2009, I weighed 316 when I went to the Doctor in Jan.
In 2010, I weighed 282 when I went to the Doctor on Jan 6th.

Now, this 282 is a more solid and action packed 282 than I ever had in Japan, but it is still 282, and I want to be 230.

These are my Truths both Sad & Happy.