Thursday, January 12, 2012

Open Letter To the Staggering Drunk Who Wanted to Run with Me This Morning

Dear Staggering Drunk,

I am sorry that I appeared to ignore you this morning.  It was very early, and I wasn't expecting anyone to start up a conversation with me at 5am while I was in the midst of my run.  I failed to realize that you were addressing me until you came staggering out into the street, and repeatedly greeted me by  shouting what I think was "Hey, Brother Man!"   Sorry that you had to repeat yourself over and over and get louder, you must have failed to notice that I was listening to my I-pod.  I hope that didn't spill your drink (or cup of urine?) as you tried to catch up to me.  Unfortunately, your unexpected appearance and the lurching nature of your unorthodox running style initially made think that the zombie apocalypse was upon us.  Please forgive me, I have been watching way too much of AMC's The Walking Dead and Zack Snyder's Classic remake of Dawn of the Dead and must cut back.  However, once I realized that you were capable of some form of speech and were not a "walker", I was suddenly reminded that I needed to get in some speed work.  Since I am not that fluent in 'bum speak' I can only guess that as you staggered into the street and began to follow me that you were offering your services as a training partner, which I sadly had to decline.  While I am certain that you are free of a performance enhance drugs, I am uncertain about about your regimen of performance inhibitors.  Also, I know that as a heal striker, I should not point out the flaws in the way other people run, but I doubt that I could adapt to your weaving-stagger style of running.  I just don't think that I am the right fit for you as a running partner.  You need someone, who will appreciate your many personality quirks, like randomly falling down in the street or bursting into song mid run.  And while I admire your dedication to the run, personally, I will stop if I feel the need to urinate or vomit and know that you will not let these bodily functions hold you back from anything.  I am afraid that I am just not that hardcore and hope that you are able to find a suitable training partner.


Greg from Locker29

1 comment: