Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Nothing from The Never Ending Story Run (Sept. 25)

Can't adequately describe this mornings run.  I've heard many people talk about how every so often when you're running, you'll just find yourself in a bad place mentally -- where you have this The Never Ending Story moment where The Nothing is there to suck you in.  I've never experienced it for myself until this morning; I've have bad moments before where I didn't think I could keep going, but this was different.  I knew that I was tired when I got up this morning, the bad flights, the excitement of the Raider game, the wonderful but exhausting walks through the hills of San Fransisco, the insomnia upon my return, and the crushing CrossFit workout from Friday morning had really caught up to me.  I was feeling it yesterday -- just this irrational irritability that I couldn't get past.  By the time the evening came around I found myself just staying awake for no good reason.  I was planning on getting up early and going to Umstead for my Saturday run, but I didn't feel any of my usual excitement.

When I woke up this morning, I felt slug like --just laying there waiting for some kid to come a long with a slat shaker.  But, I still managed to get myself to Umstead.  Looking back, I can see that the only reason I got there was that my heels weren't feeling bad for the first time in a very long time.  My latest tape job seems to be helping a great deal, and this gave me just enough energy to get to the park.  Granted, I was over an hour later than I wanted to arrive, but I was there.  I only focused on my heels during my walk to the bridge where I start my run and didn't notice how tired I was.  It be came shockingly apparent as I started my run that I had nothing in the tank.  Most times the first mile is the worst, but things get better as you progress.  Not the case here.  I knew right away that nothing was going to get any better and by the mile mark I was running because I couldn't figure out how to stop running.  There wasn't going to be any digging deep, grunting through it, or prove something to yourself moments for me -- not on this day!  It was going to be run until you get sick, become incontinent, pass out, or just stop running.  Luckily for me, somewhere around the three mile marker, I just stop running.  Honestly, The Nothing had me!  I couldn't think of any good reason to be running, no inspirational song on my I-pod could push me forward -- I was done!  I could see it reflected in the faces of the people that were going in the opposite direction.  I looked the part of the beaten fighter that has just picked himself up off the mat after the ten count.  It wasn't that I was doubting myself or anything like that, the worst part of this was that I just couldn't find a good reason to be running at all -- not just today, but ever.  I tried to start running again and my legs would feel like they could go, but the quit was just coming from a much deeper place.  It wasn't my legs, nor any other physical part of my body.  The quit was just deep down in my soul, and it didn't matter if I ran a little here or there because I was just done, plain and simple.  I wasn't even depressed about it -- just resigned to it.  Hell, I am still not depressed about it.  I've never gotten to a place like this before from running -- but I kind of knew that it was out there, and I am sort of glad to have experienced it now, instead of during a race, but I really don't want to go through it again anytime soon.  Tomorrow is an off day for sure.  Rest!  Now, I need to see if I can get The Never Ending Story on Netflix instant.

Feel free to leave a comment and let me know if you have ever met up with The Nothing while on a run.  I would love to hear how other people have dealt with it.

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